The Pained Smile
by Mikuro Kurayami
Summary: “…Because I have Kumagorou and he will never leave me.” He stared at its beady eyes and smiled. [Ryuuichi angst] [updated!]
1. Tohma's Tea Party

The Pained Smile  
  
By: Mikuro Kurayami  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 1: Tohma's tea party  
  


It wasn't that often when Seguchi Tohma invited anyone in his house for no utter reason other than for a chat and tea. Actually, the chatting was left with a handful of the invited guests: his wife Seguchi Mika who was being her usual nagging self to her brother; the said brother of his wife, the famous romance novelist who frowned and placed his hand on his forehead out of sheer annoyance, Yuki Eiri and Tohma's young cousin, Bad Luck's synthesizer Suguru Fujisaki who amusedly watched the other guests in the far end of the Seguchi's well-manicured garden. 

There was a racket going on with the other four whom Fujisaki watched. 

"Ne Hiro... gomen ne..." The 18-year-old, candy pink-haired Shindo Shuuichi explained sheepishly to his best friend. "Sakuma-san wanted a lot of players for hide-and-seek so I had to drag you with me. I don't think Yuki would be the type who'd play hide and seek and Mika-san seems to be busy talking with him"   
'More like giving him a sermon' Hiroshi told himself and grinned at Shuuichi in a supportive manner. "Nah, its okay... we don't want to disappoint Sakuma-san anyway. Besides, who else in the world has the privilege to actually play hide and seek with two Nittle Grasper members?" he stared at the other two comically "... if we actually get to play at all that is." 

In the meantime, the said Nittle Grasper vocalist was whining and creating the racket. A reproachful-faced Noriko was glaring menacingly at him totally ignoring the pitiful dog-eyes he was giving her. "Nee... Noriko-chaaaaan~!!" The 31-year-old Sakuma Ryuuichi ceaselessly tugged on Noriko's arm. "Onegaii~!!!"  
"Ryuu-chan, for the nth time, I do not play hide and seek!"  
The whining grew louder. "But I really, really, really want to play!"  
"Nagano-kun and Shindo-kun are here to play with you already." The purple haired woman pointed out giving them a helpless look. She didn't want to play such a childish game but Ryuuchi's eyes were making her heart melt out of pity. No matter how much she hated it, she always had a soft spot for the brown haired man.  
"Ba~ka..." Noriko intoned playfully, not fully submitting into his childish desires... not yet anyway.  
"O...BAA...SAN."  
The color on the female keyboardist's face began to drain. **"What. Did. You. Say?!"**  
Ryuuchi gave her his most angelic smile. "Obaasan..." he repeated in a more playful tone. He glanced at Kumagorou and gave the pink stuffed animal a feigned scolding look. "Nee Kumagorou, we shouldn't let Noriko-obaasan play with us. She might break her kneecaps or something, na no da."  
"ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT!!! I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THAT UKAI NORIKO **DOES NOT** HAVE OSTEOPOROSIS!"   
Suuichi and Hiro both shared huge sweatdrops on their foreheads.  
"Guess we'll be playing after all ne?"  
"Yeah... he,he."

However, Nittle Grasper's vocalist did not share their sentiments. He laughed knowingly and pranced around happy that his plan worked perfectly. He had always wanted to play tag with Suuichi before but they were busy with the album making and the tour. Now that the Japan tour was over and both bands were temporarily on vacation, this was the perfect time for him to play. But of course, Kumagorou suggested that it would be boring to be looking for two people only so he let Shuuichi's friend into the game too. And now Noriko has agreed. Kumagorou wanted everyone to play... including Yuki Eiri. Sakuma Ryuuichi told him that the blond, gray-eyed man was "KOWAII" and was busy talking with Tohma. Besides, it was Shuuichi whom he wanted to play with anyway. 

He actually didn't like Tohma's brother in law at first because he had a mean smile and plus the fact that Kumagorou was afraid of him. But then Tohma told him that Suuichi loved him a lot so Kumagorou thought that he wasn't such a bad guy after all. Still, Ryuuichi was afraid of Yuki... although he had liked him more now. 

Fujisaki laughed as soon as he saw Noriko finally give in to Ryuuchi. "Now we'll get to see some action."  
"Why don't you join them Fujisaki-kun?" Mika asked, momentarily drifting her attention away from her little brother who was also watching the game. Or more specifically, Shindo Shuuichi playing. Not that he'd openly admit it anyway.  
He simply laughed. "I told Sakuma-san I have muscle pain on my thighs. I slept on one position last night and when I woke up I had the worst case of cramps."  
Mika nodded. "I see. Well at least they're enjoying now. Including Noriko-san." 

They all saw the game from their position. Noriko dived into a bush just as the" it" for the first round, Hiro, opened his eyes and started the search. It was easiest for him to spot Suuichi with his pink hair sticking out of the garden gnome he was hiding behind from. He also immediately saw the Kumagorou above him hanging on the branch of the tree nearest to him. He had a hard time looking for the two others, Ryuuichi and Noriko who both knew the garden more than Hiro did which gave them and edge with the number of hiding places they could choose from. A female shriek of surprise and Ryuuichi's manic laughter spelt the end of the round. Ryuuichi poked Noriko from behind which made both of their hiding places disclosed to the "it". For the next round, it was Noriko who was "it". 

"Noise..." Yuki grumbled as he placed his teacup on its saucer.  
"Oh Eiri, its not like you didn't play hide and seek with us before" Mika told her brother.  
His left eyebrow arched "When I was 18?"  
Tohma laughed. "Now I feel older."

"Oi!" Fujisaki protested. "I just turned 17 a week ago." He diverted his attention towards the game once more, this time more intently at Sakuma Ryuuichi who was whispering something to his stuffed toy. "Now that I tend to see Sakuma-san more often than before, I've always wondered about him and that stuffed toy..." he let his thoughts trough his mouth and let everyone know about it.

"Do you know something about it Tohma-san?" Mika too seemed interested to know. She had been secretly itching to ask the same question before but then she decided against it until someone else was concerned in it too. Besides, it was one charm that Ryuuichi had and no other band singer did. Plus, it drew in hordes of fangirls. 

"I suppose you all would have to know it anyway." Tohma said after a brief silence. All eyes were on him as he took a sip on his tea and placed it back on the saucer. "We all know that he seems childish for his age. It's a psychological defense mechanism called Regression." "What happened to him? Some childhood tragedy?" Mika asked once more.  
Tohma agreed. "That's right Mika-san. Do you remember the famous electronic company Hisashi?"  
Yuki and Mika nodded. Fujisaki didn't because he was probably too young at that time.  
Tohma knew this and he explained further. "There was a time when the Hisashi electric company was the number one exporter of electronics in Japan for a long time. It was a monopoly really, everyone wanted Hisashi products because of its undeniable high quality and durability which is still undoubtedly better than all the recent products being sold nowadays. Hisashi electronics was owned by no other than Ryuuichi's father, Sakuma Hisashi.

" Ryuuichi was the only child of this powerful tycoon. He and his wife had no time to spend with their child as all rich parents were. They showered him with gifts and toys just to keep them from being guilty for 'neglecting' their child. They were too busy with themselves and were always away from the house. His parents, however, kept him in the house all the time and didn't want himself exposed to other people. They quarantined him like he had a disease for ten years. They hired a tutor for his education. At that time, Ryuuichi had no one else to talk to. No one except his toys. He was very playful as a child as far as his grandmother can remember. She was the one who told me about Ryuuichi's condition. At first she thought that it was normal for children to talk to their toys. But then at age twelve, he should have matured a little bit... but he didn't. 

"And then came the downfall of Hisashi. A barrage of exporters came from Korea, China and the US bringing in more products. It was the age of westernization. Other electronic companies began emerging. The company became bankrupt and closed. This not only damaged the family's economical stature but the weak bond that held them together. Ryuuichi's mom fled with an older and richer businessman as his mistress. Hisashi was depressed and so he shot himself. At the same day, it was known that his mother was murdered speculatively by the businessman's wife although no evidence was found. 

"The wake of his parents were held at the same time but Ryuuichi hid himself in his room with his toys like usual. His grandmother came up to him and told him that he should be downstairs to meet those who were visiting his parents. He was silently sitting cross-legged on his carpeted floor, Kumagorou on one of his laps. On his hand was a photograph..." 

_Ryuuichi finally noticed that she was there and glanced at her with tearless eyes   
"Obaasan...?"   
"Ryuu-kun, what is it?" she asked gently.  
He glanced back at the picture and pointed at it. "Who are they?" he asked innocently. His voice and eyes read that this was no joke.  
His grandmother moved closer to take a look. She then closed her eyes and sobbed uncontrollably. It was a picture of his parents.  
  
*******  
  
_Author's notes: Finally! I can make something decent other than Hunter x hunter fanfics =P This is my first time to make a Gravitation fanfic ever! This wasn't supposed to be a multi-chaptered fic but then I didn't want Tohma to narrate it all. Well... I hope I didn't make any character OOC here T___T Warning though, next chapter will have Evangelion-like ramblings. Comments, reviews and hugs for Ryuuichi-sama are greatly appreciated. ^^ Oh yeah, I lay my hands off Gravitation because unfortunately Maki Murakami already owns it. 


	2. Kumagorou

Chapter 2: Kumagorou 

*****

With no other family except for his grandmother, it was necessary for Sakuma Ryuuichi to live with her. She wasn't as well off as his parents were but she was certainly part of the upper middle class people of Tokyo. She wasn't that old either as she has not avail of a retirement. However, just like his parents, she hardly had time with the 13-year-old boy. Her husband died of an illness a long time ago-- now she was in charge of what he had left. 

His grandmother was not rich enough to hire him a tutor so he was forced to go to a private school nearby. She also thought that it was time for the boy to have an experience of the real world. 

It was late in the afternoon when he went home after choir practice. He had joined the club because he found the love for singing at such an age already. Ryuuichi was walking alone unlike his other club mates. It wasn't that he was mean or that he was being bullied. He just chose to be distant. He didn't know how to make friends and he would just talk to them if he needed anything or if the needed something from them... nothing more. 

He stopped when he heard his name being called. "Oi! Sakuma!"  
Ryuuichi glanced back. Four of his classmates came to him. They too were in the choir club.  
"Hey wanna join us? We're going to Mashiba-kun's house to play on his computer." One of them, who seemed to be the leader, asked.  
"Really? Are you sure its okay with you?" he asked timidly.  
"Haha! Of course, why would we be asking you then?" he said and they laughed. "Oh yeah, I'm Himizu Hikaru. Those are Mashiba Shinji, Kobe Hiroshi and Suzuki Ken."  
He smiled. "I'm Sakuma Ryuuichi!"

*****

"B-but..." Ryuuichi choked up a reply. It was just a month since Himizu invited him to join their group. Every after choir practice they would hang out his house since it was nearest the school, not to mention the biggest. They would always play computer games since Mashiba could afford all of them.

  
Himizu looked at him with expressionless eyes. "My mother knows all about you Sakuma. Your mother was my father's slut. Your father was a depressed businessman and he committed suicide."  
"So does ours." Suzuki closed his eyes and shoved him to the ground. It was the exact same spot where they all began to hang out together. "You're not allowed to be with us anymore Sakuma." He gave them a signal that they should leave. One by one they gave him pitiful looks and turned away. 

The last one was Himizu. He honestly liked Ryuuichi a lot because he was always so full of inexhaustible energy and happiness. He also wasn't as arrogant as his other three friends. But like them, his parents didn't agree with them hanging out with Sakuma Ryuuichi the orphan. "I'm sorry Ryuuchi-kun..." That was the last time he called him that. He bit his lip and run away. 

_"I'm sorry Ryuuichi-kun..."_ Mashiba's words rang on his head over and over again. No matter how much he tried to plug them out, they would run in his head ceaselessly that it almost drove him insane. 

'So you're gone too... just like that man and woman on the photograph. I didn't even know them.' He instinctively opened his backpack and took out a pink stuffed toy. "Kumagorou..." he murmured and snuggled it close to his body. He then got up, dusted his pants and walked home. 

Ryuuichi was moved into a new class the next semester. Instead of class 3 he was moved to class 2. He avoided the choir club from now on. He was back to square one. He knew everybody and at the same time he didn't. He was known as everybody and nobody's friend. His classmates loved him because he brought the sun right into their classroom. He was even more sociable than the class representative herself. 

Was sociable the right word for Sakuma Ryuuichi? In their eyes yes, he was the friend of everyone. He was kind and very affectionate. He has hugged everyone in the class at least once or twice. Some find it cute, but there were other who thought him as irksome. Still, in their eyes he was their friend. 

_Were you really a friend to them Ryuuichi?_  
  
'Of course! Of course I am!'  
  
_What is a friend Ryuuichi?_  
  
'A friend...' He stopped short 'I am a friend. I am their friend.'  
  
_Who are you?_  
  
'I am Sakuma Ryuuichi. Fourteen years old'  
  
_Who. Are. You?_  
  
'I told you... I am Sakuma Ryuuichi!'  
  
_Is Sakuma Ryuuichi their friend?_  
  
'Of course!'  
  
_Really? That's not what I think so._  
  
'???'  
  
_You merely need them._  
  
'Need?'  
  
_Those people, you merely act kind to them because you need them. You don't really have friends Sakuma Ryuuichi. You don't let them close to you because you are afraid of them. You only show them as side that you want them to see. Because if you let them see the other side of you, they won't need you anymore. They will all leave you...alone. Again. That man and woman who died. The young boys... and even your classmates. Just like them, they will all leave you... They will all leave you..._  
  
'THAT'S NOT TRUE!!' he yelled 'I have friends! They won't leave me alone!'

Ryuuichi opened his eyes and came face to face with the ceiling above him. The sun was pouring itself through the blinds that covered his windows. His cheeks were damp-- he had been crying while asleep. He knew that it was just a dream. But then there were no images replaying in his head... only voices. Strangely, those voices were all his own. 

"That's not true..." He repeated slowly to himself. He glanced beside him to check up on Kumagorou. He took him on his arms and placed him on his lap. "...Because I have Kumagorou and he will never leave me." He stared at its beady eyes and smiled.  
  
*****  
  
Author's notes: ANGST! Told you it was Eva-like ___ Of course, Ryuuichi isn't mine *weeps* while all the other character names are made up. C'mon everyone! Give poor Ryuuichi a hug! (because I torture him too much...) XO 


	3. Misanthropy

Chapter 3: Misanthropy

*****

"Ohayo Ryuuichi" his grandmother greeted him that morning. She was wearing an apron and she had mittens on both hands. She placed a plate with pancake on the table, took her mittens off and sat down.

"Ohayo!" He beamed and sat down beside her. "Aren't you going to be late for work? Why did you cook breakfast today?"

"Don't you like it? Very American isn't it?" She laughed and winked at him. "I won't be late… I asked my assistant to take care of matters for me this morning. Such an industrious young boy he is."

"Itadakimasu! "Ryuuichi nodded as he began eating.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something." His grandmother began seriously. "You're in high school now and after three years, you would be going to College. I just wanted to talk to you about your future."

Ryuuichi nodded silently. Three years. Three more years and he would be free. 

"Ryuu-kun, what do you want to do for the rest of your life?"

He remained silently playing with his food as if pondering on the answer. His grandmother waited patiently. Such a decision was hard for anyone and she knew this all perfectly. Finally he looked up and gave her his biggest, most sincere smile ever. "Sing! I want to sing."

****

"Ohayo~!" Ryuuichi greeted his class when he entered it that morning just after the general assembly took place. He was wearing the prescribed school uniform just like the other kids in his school. 

Their silence was rewarded to him. He ignored it and laughed as he went on his way to his seat. "Too bad its raining today ne?"

"Sakuma-san…" someone from behind him uttered his name. "No one will talk to you now…" 

Ryuuichi turned around. The color on his face suddenly drained as he saw to whom that voice belonged.

He softly whispered his name. "Himizu…" Of all people from his former friends, it was Himizu who was kindest. Himizu who helped him. Himizu who approached him first. Himizu who called him 'Ryuuichi-kun'. Himizu who liked him a lot. And now it was also Himizu who let him fall.

"They know you now, Sakuma-san. All that masks that you've shown will no longer fool anyone... as it had fooled me."

He remained silent. He didn't have a clue on what to do. There was no denying the fact that he was indeed the son of that Sakuma. It was such a despicable feeling and it gnawed on his heart once more. Her remained calm yet he was ready to snap at any minute. He clutched his hand hard and looked down.

"What do you have to say to any of that Sakuma-san?" Himizu asked in a challenging tone.

He simply sat down and looked down on his lap wordlessly waiting for their teacher to arrive.

You know he is right don't you?  

'I am not fooling anyone!' he screamed. He sometimes knew if he was dreaming. He had this recurring dream for the longest time already. Conversations with a boy he never could see. At times he would see a silhouette himself against the darkness of that void with nothing but the voice. But in most cases, it was just his voice and the other one exactly like it. Right now, in this dream he was there but most of his body was covered in shadow... his face to be exact There he was floating aimlessly and he saw nothing but darkness. 

Are you really? 

'….'

Are you really Sakuma Ryuuichi? 

'I…'

Are you the Sakuma Ryuuichi you really want to be or just a mirage?' 

'Mirage?'

Are you the Sakuma Ryuuichi you want them to think you are? Do you think you can fool everyone with that, huh Ryuuichi? Not all people are as stupid as you think.

'What are you saying!?'

Trust no one; your closest friend could become your worst enemy. They will betray your trust just to see you suffer miserably in the trap you've created for yourself. That's the way people are. They all put up pretenses just to let your guard down and when you do, they strike you when you least expect it. When you are vulnerable and weak… and just when you need them. That is human nature. Humans are the only creatures able to despise themselves…

'Stop it!'

_It hurts doesn't it? It pains you that what I'm saying is true after all…_

'You are mistaken...' For once he saw his face in his dream. His eyes were hidden against his chocolate colored locks but he knew they were smirking at that voice. His mouth curved into a pained smile. 'It just damn kills me to be human like them.' He told the voice. It did not surprise him that the voice materialized right before his eyes as if he was looking at a mirror.

The other him smiled back. _'Tch. Misanthropist…'_

*****

Author's notes: I hope you all aren't scared of Ryuuichi-sama for being psychotically imbalanced. I am just so in love with all these psychobabble ^___^' I quoted "Humans are the only creatures able to despise themselves" from The End of Evangelion. Everything else is the property of Maki Murakami. I also fixed the typos in the other chapters. Are you wondering where Tohma and Noriko show up? Wait no further my dear avid readers! (glances at nothing but the wind and a tumble weed) *sweatdrops* You will get to see them on the next chapter. And a surprise cameo appearance too! By whom? HI-MI-TSU! ^___~'


	4. Nittle Grasper part 1

Chapter 4: Nittle Grasper part 1

*****

Ryuuichi was roused by his alarm clock. It was time for him to go to school once more. He glanced over at Kumagorou and gave it a kiss on his forehead before heading out to the bathroom. Everything was clear to him now after that night. He didn't need them nor did they need him. He just had to fend for himself now. He cannot just simply trust on others or he will just end up hurting himself all over again.

Warm water bursting from the shower refreshed his tired body. He had been thinking a lot about that incident yesterday regarding Himizu and his class. He of course, blamed himself for all of these. Why did he pretend to be so happy when he really wasn't? The world was indeed harsh to those who didn't deserve it.

Or did he? Not that it mattered to him now. All he deeply cared about was his singing… and Kumagorou.

"I better talk to Seguchi-san today about that job he was offering me…" he told Kumagorou as soon as he got his hair fixed. He looked into his mirror for a last check before getting his things for school. Kumagorou reminded him about his math homework and he assured him that he already had done it during lunch break.

"Since no one ate with me, I decided to get it done instead so I won't have to do anything when I get home." He puffed his chest proudly as Kumagorou praised him for being a good student. 

"Anyway, Seguchi-san talked to me about being part of his band… He said he heard me sing once and he liked my voice." Ryuuichi blushed as Kumagorou admitted that he liked his voice too. "Haha. You too? Thanks a lot Kumagorou. You're the bestest best friend a Sakuma Ryuuichi can ever have!" 

He didn't bother keeping Kumagorou in his school bag anymore. He hugged it around just like an ordinary kid. Everyone minded their own business and a Sakuma Ryuuichi regressing isn't part of it. He still was the happy kid despite what Himizu said although he knew that he couldn't count on anyone anymore. Himizu sneaked in from his class that day and it was the first and last time he ever saw his former friend ever in that school. Not that it mattered. He could die for all Ryuuichi cared.

He caught Tohma in the lockers that afternoon. "Seguchi-san!"

"Ah Ryuuichi." Tohma smiled kindly and closed his locker after placing his shoes inside. He glanced at Kumagorou and smiled at it as well. "Kumagorou too." He looked back its owner. "What is it Ryuuichi?"

"A-anou… Seguchi-san—"

"No, Tohma is ok"

"Oh ah… Tohma then." He smiled goofily. "Well, about that band thing you were talking about? I think I like the idea…"

Tohma's huge emerald eyes glittered. "I knew you'd agree! I'm glad your grandmother recommended you to me. She told me that you loved to sing and you were part of the choir before." He clasped his hands in a joyful manner. "I'll go introduce you to her at once!"

"Her???"

"Ryuuichi, this is Ukai Noriko. She's a pianist just like me."

The purple haired girl regarded him with a curt nod. "What's with the toy?"

Ryuuichi beamed. "This is Kumagorou! Kumagorou, meet Ukai Noriko-san." He held the pink stuffed toy up for her to see up close.

"Thrilled." She drawled then turned to Tohma who was seating beside her and whispered. "Are you sure you want this retard with us?"

"Of course."

The three of them were meeting in Tohma Seguchi's house that night. He was so excited that he practically dragged the both of them into his house at once for their very first practice. He was usually in good spirits as he had a smile plastered on his face as he spoke.

"Noriko-san took piano lessons with me when we were in elementary so I have a good measure of her capabilities." He explained to Ryuuichi as the three of them walked towards the Seguchi's music room. "I'm sure she'd like to see yours"

"You mean I have to sing like in an audition?" he asked eagerly.

"Well, sort of."

"SUGOI~!!!" Ryuuichi cried out as soon as they entered the said room. There were instruments of all kinds neatly kept on shelves and various other containers. On the center, a tiny stage was placed surrounded by five chairs. There were paintings of composers on the decorated walls. It seemed that Tohma was actually anticipating this event as the stage had a microphone on its stand ready. 

The brown haired boy ran up at once. "Is this where you want me to sing Tohma?"

"Yes." And he took a seat right next to Noriko.

"What do you want me to sing?" he asked through the microphone. There were probably hidden speakers in the room as his rich voice boomed everywhere.

Tohma shrugged. "Anything you want. You can also just sing a portion of a song."

Noriko raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you'd like to sing with that toy around?"

Ryuuichi blinked twice. "Oh yeah!" He proceeded downstage and placed Kumagorou on a seat beside her. "Don't worry Kumagorou, Noriko-san won't bite you and I'll just be on stage for a while." He beamed at the other two and went back onstage.

He was singing acapella but that didn't matter to him now. His comical smile was wiped out of his face as he opened his mouth to sing.

_"It would be nice if we could put away and throw out_

_everything except what really mattered, but_

_reality is just cruel."_

It was just one stanza. And it blew Ukai Noriko away from her seat. Ryuuichi's face made he shudder as he sang the gradual and soulful song. It was hard to believe that HE was able to cook up a face like that while just a while ago. To her, it was as if he just suddenly had a personality change.

Ryuuichi hopped down the stage and promptly took Kumagorou on his arms. "Was that good enough Tohma?" his old face was back.

Noriko stared at him bewildered. Tohma's lips displayed amusement as he observed Noriko's expression. "Of course it was, Ryuuichi..."

For the first time after many days, Sakuma Ryuuichi was eating happily with other people during lunch time, Noriko from class D and Tohma from class A. They always spent time together talking about music and their plans of becoming famous. Tohma had all the right connections, Noriko's keyboarding skill were impeccable and most especially… they had Ryuuichi. Both keyboardists knew that he was their ace to success. With talent like that, no one would be stupid enough to overlook him. But more than that, they saw him as a little brother they never had.

******

One day Ukai Noriko saw Ryuuichi pondering alone under the tree they always had lunch under. He had Kumagorou clinging loosely on his chest and he stared at the leaves above him dancing in the wind.

"Ryuu-chan~!" She greeted brightly. It was almost a year since they've met and they already have been comfortable calling each other by nicknames. "Tohma said that we go ahead because he has to talk to your grandmother about something for a while."

He gave her a grave smile. "I didn't know you were classmates with Himizu."

"So?"

"So… you know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

"About me."

Noriko sighed and took a seat beside him. "But that doesn't change anything does it?" she placed her arm around his neck and leaned on him.

He gently placed his head on her shoulder. "Noriko-chan… of course it does. Won't it affect the future of our band? If they know I'm the son of that man--"

"Ryuuchi." She always called him in his full name when she was serious. "You'll have to change that mentality from the people now. And that's the only thing you can do. Don't dwell under the grim shadow of your father. You are not him. You are Sakuma Ryuuichi and you can prove that to the world."

Ryuuichi smiled as his eyes danced just like the leaves around them. "Thanks a lot Noriko-chan. Kumagorou was right after all. You're a very nice friend and we love you."

Noriko chuckled. She actually felt honored to be loved by both Ryuuichi and Kumagorou. She didn't pretend that Kumagorou could really talk just like the other people around them. She thought of it as a part of Ryuuichi himself. And both of them loving her meant that his whole self loved her. It warmed her heart with the simple thought of it.

Do not mistake their love for romantic. For one thing, Noriko was a girl who was not interested in boys their age. She already had a twenty five year old boyfriend who happens to be their science teacher. Another is that Ryuuichi thought of their love as platonic. Lastly, romance is not the only kind of love that exists in the world. Nevertheless, her love for their band's vocalist was undoubtedly strong and unwavering. 

"Why do you think Himizu did that?" Ryuuichi asked as he broke their silence.

Noriko rolled her eyes. "I think he just needed a good fuck in the arse…" she said a-matter-of-factly.

"Noriko-chan! Kumagorou does not need to hear about gay sex!" he admonished, covering the poor bunny's ears. "He's very wholesome, y'know."

"Baka, I was just kidding. I'm not Himizu but if I were him, maybe I'd feel hurt and at the same time betrayed that you didn't really become really honest to him."

"I was afraid really. I was afraid if they'd know me, they wouldn't like me anymore. I only wanted everyone to love me." 

"In the first place, if they don't like you for being you then you don't deserve those assho—I mean, friends." Noriko explained. She loved playing big sister at the moment. 

Ryuuichi pouted. "I just wanted everyone to like me. But now, it seems nobody likes me…"

"That's not true. I love you. So does Tohma. And your grandmother too. We all love you." She wrapped her arms around his neck and embraced him tightly. "We love you because you are our Sakuma Ryuuichi."

"Uh Noriko-chan?"

"Hmmm?"

"My face is on your chest."

She quickly released him and blushed. "Oh. Sorry." 

*****

Author's notes: A lame attempt to lighten up the fic. *sticks her tongue out* Wowie! I've never done anything that surpassed 4 chapters before *rejoices* I usually get tired after the 4th or 5th chapter that I leave everything hanging!  The stanza Ryuuichi sang is the English translation of the 1st stanza of the song Dearest by Ayumi Hamasaki. *major sweatdrop* Hehe. I already mentioned that there was supposed to be a surprise cameo appearance… but that'd be for part 2! Who is it? I'm still not telling. But it will hint one of my favorite yaoi pairings in Gravitation (although it won't be that blatant =P) As usual; none of these beautiful characters are mine. But if I could own them, I would. 

  


Aishiteru-san, I assure you it won't be a Tohma/Ryuuichi fic. I don't agree with the pairing myself... Sigh... I guess I just wanted Tohma to do a long narrative of sorts that's why there are a lack of action scenes on the firstch chapter. Scenes... hmm... prolly on the next chapters. Argh! typos! *erase erase* gomen, gomen! I wrote the fic in notepad and forgot to do a spellcheck on work (I have their names saved in the dictionary XD). Oh no, your not over critical at all! Thanks a lot for your comments, they won't go to waste =D

Ayako-san, Thanks a lot for the comments about the spacing and stuff =D They won't go to waste either.

Shido-san and Recowa-san, I'm glad you liked my very first Gravi fic ; ) Hai desu! I'll be writing more desu!

*hands boxes of tissue to Echiko-san and Toko-san* Maa... don't cry! I won't kill Ryuuichi-sama or something... he's too hot to die XD XD


	5. Nittle Grasper part 2

Chapter 5: Nittle Grasper part 2

*****

"Mouu… Tohmaaa…" Ryuuichi had just snuck up on them while they were talking.

He caught him off guard as he jumped up a few inches from his seat. "Ryuuichi! What are you doing here?!"

He didn't seem to have heard their conversation, as he remained comically deadpan. His mouth was in a thin line but his eyes glistened playfully. "Kumagorou wants to hide under Eiri-san's chair so Shuuichi won't be able to find him."

"What makes you think he wouldn't look under my chair, Sakuma-san?" the blond writer asked testily.

"Because he thinks Kumagorou is afraid of you na no da!" he whispered to them as if it was his deepest darkest secret. "I told him that, but then he said Eiri-san was really nice and cute especially when asleep and that he's ticklish on the ears and he likes to cook for both of them breakfast lunch and dinner and he always goes watch Shuuichi perform in concerts and he makes Shuuichi very, very, very, very happy because Shuuichi loves him very much! And so Kumagorou said that Eiri-san is nice and not scary." It was amazing actually, if anyone would have timed it, the whole speech lasted for twenty seconds and the singer said it all in one breath. Ryuuichi must have very strong lungs to last that long and still keep a straight face.

Mika came to the rescue as soon as she noticed her little brother's eyebrow twitch in brutally contained annoyance "Just let him do what he wants and he'll go away... won't you Sakuma-san?"

Yuki rolled his golden eyes sarcastically. "Tch. Fine."

"Ya—oops!" Ryuuichi remembered that he was supposed to be hiding as well; clamping his mouth when he almost gave out a cry of delight.

"That toy… he really loves it very much" Fujisaki commented as soon as Kumagorou's owner was out of the picture. Shuuichi started looking already so he sped towards Mika's rose bushes to hide. "It's practically a decade old and it still looks pretty much intact." The synthesizer bent down to get a closer look at it. 

"Does he really think it's alive and talking to him?" Mika asked thoughtfully turning to her husband.

"I think so Mika-san." Tohma replied. "Anyway back to my story…"

*****

Nittle Grasper was slowly becoming a hit among the juvenile school bands in their district. Their win in their district's battle of the bands was the catalyst of their astounding success. Even mature and lady-like Catholic school girls would melt and lust over Sakuma Ryuuichi and his enticing voice. He was part of every fan girl and boy's bedtime fantasies; a shocking change from his previous state of repulsion. They could have been going professional if only not for school. It was still their primary priority. And now they were seniors, their goal was to get into College.

"I'm definitely getting into something connected into business. It would help me achieve in the corporate world." Tohma told his other three companions as they were going to their practice studio, Tohma's music room.

"Mouu… why should you go to college? You already have work ne?" Ryuuichi asked.

"Baka!" Noriko scolded him. "Are you brain dead? Don't tell me you don't have plans to go to College…?"

He cast his head down and looked at her sheepishly "Weell… I didn't really give much thought to it yet… and I'm not sure if I'd get into any college."

"Your grandmother tells me you're ranking slipped onto last place in your class." Tohma informed them. "What's happening to you?"

Ryuuchi ignored him and turned to Noriko. "What are you talking in college?"

The purple haired girl giggled in pure fangirl manner. "A cute college professor would be nice…" she then deliberately wiped her smile off her face and looked at him with soulful, concerned eyes. "My parents want me to be a Nurse so I can take care of them when they're ill. What about you Ryuuichi, what do you want to do for the rest of your life?" her question remained unanswered as she was rewarded with an unnerving silence.

*****

"What do I want to do for the rest of my life?" Ryuuichi asked himself… or rather Kumagorou that night. He lied flat on his back while he held the stuffed bunny up above his face. It was his way of openly musing about various things that bothered him that day. "You're part of the decision because you're gonna be with me for the rest of my life too, Kumagorou." A predictable silence was his reply.

"Well, I'm sure Tohma can pretty much balance his time helping out grandma, studying in college and being part of the band because he's very, very smart! Noriko-chan's also smart! She's younger than me and Tohma but she's already a senior. But…" his face fell. "…Ryuuichi isn't. He always gets his kanji wrong when he writes and reads it. That's why Tohma has to jot down what I think of when we write our songs. It almost makes him the songwriter instead of me… Tohma's really amazing. And Noriko-chan is really, really nice. And Ryuuichi…" his voice trailed off. He carefully snuggled Kumagorou and faced the window by his bedside. He wasn't asleep yet, but he slowly felt the drowsiness take over his body. 

"And Ryuuichi is a baka." He finished with a gloomy, weary sigh.

*****

"I heard him talk to himself last night again. And those were the words he said." The voice on the other line shook with dread. "Do you think I'm pressuring him Tohma-kun? I really want to hand over the business to him but I'm sure he does not want to enter the corporate world. He wants to sing, I've asked him that."

"You're doing a fine job as his guardian, Sakuma-sachou" Tohma assured the old woman. "I'm sure he'll be over it once he gets the results of the College exams."

"What if he becomes a Ronin?"

"Then he can pursue his career in singing without any obstructions then."

There was a pause. "I only want what's best for him. I want to see him happy all the time… even when I'm gone."

Tohma smiled. "Don't worry Sakuma-sachou, Noriko and I will take care of Ryuuichi." And with that, he put the phone down. The young blond tapped his chin pensively for a while. His distressed emerald eyes focused at a random, uninteresting object in front of him but his thoughts traveled far and in a whirl. He finally sighed when his phone rang once more. Too much thinking might give him a migraine.

 "Moshi-moshi, Tohma desu." His face changed as his eyes glistened with excitement. "Oh! Good morning Mr. K. What can I do for you?" He asked in straight English.

*****

That call from Mr. K changed three aspiring young teenagers' lives. They were famous now. And the popularity of Nittle Grasper swept the whole peninsula of Japan. Their albums sold like crazy. Hordes of dedicated fans of both genders would scream their names with undying lust. They had it all, the talent, the looks and the charm. All these three combined produced the perfect band that drove almost every other band into a deep frenzy of envy. And bankruptcy. Nittle Grasper's popularity growth was unstoppable. They were even recognized in various other countries in all five continents. 

They were always surrounded by fans and the media. At times a riot would occur and it would cause major traffic in the already riley streets of Tokyo. They were invited in a famous talk show that day so as expected, the fans flocked one of the busiest districts of the city where the TV station was. It was an interview about their recent US and Europe tour and how the westerners were impressed by the Japanese music industry. Nittle Grasper was even hailed as the band that bridged the gap of eastern and western contemporary rock because of their music. That was according to a famous American music critic anyway.

And as usual, these were the random fanatical screams of undying lust noticeably perceived.

"Ryuuichi-sama~! Marry me!!"

*insert random fangirlish squeals of delight*

"TOHMA~! TOHMA~! TOHMA~!"

"KAKOII~! NORIKO-CHAN~!!!"

And so on. 

Nittle Grasper stopped for a while to sign autographs, much to the delight of the fans. They even allowed a few pictures to be taken with a few lucky fans. A few breathless praises and kind thank you's were exchanged by Noriko and Tohma while Ryuuchi was more interactive with them. They loved him. And he loved them because they did. His smile was broad and he laughed gaily while chatting with them casually. He even allowed a few of his fans to hug Kumagorou for a while.

"Ryu-chan, we have to go" Noriko called out from behind her. Tohma had already gone inside to talk with the TV crew with K.

Ryuuichi nodded. "Hai! Just one more!" Actually there were hundreds more to please but they really need to be going. He gave the tall, young, dark haired boy one last smile. "Here you go! I even drew Kumagorou for you!"

He gave him an expression that hinted his insides melt from within. "Thanks a lot Ryuuichi-sama!" he gushed in pure fan boy manner. "You're my god!!! I love you~!!!" he choked up his last sentence as more fans began pushing their way towards Ryuuichi. He didn't get a chance to have a clear glance on his face as it suddenly disappeared within the sea of other faces with the same keeling faces as his.

He smiled apologetically and bowed at his fans. "Gomen ne. But Noriko-chan is calling me. Ja na no da~!" He took one of Kumagorou's paws up and made him wave goodbye at the people. He twirled on his heel and briskly walked towards the purple haired girl with a smug smile on his face. Those last few words of that boy who's face he couldn't remember incited that odd smile and they forever stuck to his head.

_'"You're my god" _

He knew it. He couldn't possibly be despicably human. He was more than human… he was holier than thou. He was a god! 

"I'm a god huh? That sounds good to hear."

*****

Author's notes: WAAAAH~!!! I wanted to stick to the canon couple but I couldn't help myself XD XD XD So you if you guessed Tatsuha was the character I was talking about well then, free Ryuuichi autographed underwear for you! *scares people away* Well, the couple IS sort of canon since Maki Murakami herself drew doujinshis of them. Okay minna, I did a few mathematical computations in the fic regarding their ages. Ryuuichi here is 25 years old which technically makes Tatsuha a bright and sprightly 10 year old with rampaging hormones ^^ that would also technically make Yuki Eiri 16 years old… just the exact age where he gets molested by his sensei. I think I got that right… now why isn't Tohma with Eiri? Isn't he supposed to be his guardian in New York, blah blah blah *massive sweatdrops* Meep… I hate discrepancies! __'   
Don't worry, I know this is supposed to be fan fiction but I didn't want to overlook that part. And so I had to add the part with the US tour so it would be possible that Tohma could actually watch over Eiri in the fic! And now they're back home and stuff with a now aloof, traumatized and possibly depressed Yuk Eiri. But since this is a Ryuuichi fic, I don't need to elaborate on that now, do I? This is the longest chapter so far, and the longest A/N too. Mou… I'm tired… *grabs Kumagorou and goes to bed* Please review! I really love reading comments from my readers. It motivates me to write more and at the same time improve my grammar and style. ^___^'


	6. Ryuuichi's happiness

Chapter 6: Ryuuichi's happiness

The crowd grew wild as the last part of the song died down. Ryuuchi closed his eyes and looked down, sweat trickling down his forehead. His hair was damp with his own perspiration and it ceaselessly dripped down. His breath was heavy yet he was contented amidst his tiredness. He looked up once more to glance at the sea of faceless people worshipping him.

_'Did you hear that?'_ he cried out happily_. 'Did you hear what he said? I AM a god!'_ his blissful voice was syrupy. Sakuma Ryuuichi sounded like he had never been really happy his whole life. _'I am a god now, Himizu…'_

Himizu, a name he'd long forgotten. But for some reason, Himizu was right in front of him giving him the warmest smile he had ever given him in his whole life. It seemed that against all the concert lighting effect on the stage, his smile shone brighter than them all. But he was not only the person he recognized in the audience. There were two other people who radiated just as brightly as Himizu.

_'Mama! Papa! Are you happy now? Are you happy now that I am a god?'_

They never spoke; nevertheless their smile said it all. Oddly, he never got to see their faces at all. But then, he recognized them and they smiled at him along with thousands of his worshippers.

"Ryuuichi! Stop kicking me~!" He heard Noriko hiss at his blanket-covered ear.

Blanket? What was a blanket doing in a concert? And why was she wearing a nightgown in the middle of a concert?

He bolted up. He was just dreaming after all. "Gomen ne Noriko-chan" he whispered sheepishly. "I was just dreaming that's all…" he bent down his bed and picked up Kumagorou. "Gomen ne Kumagorou, I won't drop you again… you can sleep between me and Noriko-chan if you want."

Don't be surprised by the room arrangement. Apparently, there was a misunderstanding between K and the hotel management. Instead of reserving 4 rooms with 1 bed, they got 1 room with 2 beds. Blame K for his faulty English. And it was the time of year where Las Vegas was jam-packed. The only unoccupied hotels were along the border of Nevada and California. Nittle Grasper had a concert the very next day so they were forced to take the room, much to all of their dismay. Not even K could blackmail the stiff American manager to get them better rooms. But then it wasn't really the first time they shared a room so they were pretty used to it.

Luckily no one among them snored so they were saved from insomnia and early morning crankiness from anyone of them. In cases like these, Tohma would sleep with K while Ryuuichi would sleep with Noriko.

"Dreaming huh?" Noriko snorted after checking up if she had woken up K or Tohma after her outburst. The two blonds slept unmoved. "Was it a happy dream?"

Ryuuichi's grin was glow in the dark. "Uh hu. I dreamt about Himizu and 2 other people. They were smiling at me. I asked them if they were happy. And they were smiling at me. That means they're happy right?"

Noriko was surprised. "You still remember Himizu?"

"Actually I just thought of him when I dreamt about him."

Noriko was silent for a while. "If it was a happy dream… did it make you happy?" she asked.

"Yes. Yes it did." Ryuuichi replied. He has just tucked Kumagorou in between the two of them. "It felt like they were happy for me. Even those two other people. A woman and a man. And I called them Mama and Papa."

His child-like innocence never left him after all these years after all. He still longed for the approval of his peers and parents. It haunted him even in his dreams. It was as if it was the driving force for his singing career. And he got it. Everyone loved and adored Sakuma Ryuuichi. Even if it was merely a dream, he felt that he had receive their love and approval. 

"Mou… Noriko-chan… are you sleepy already?"

"Hm? Well, sorta. How come?"

Ryuuichi glomped her and looked at her with his huge, frightened eyes. "Mou… the dark is scary! Tell Tohma-kun to turn on the lamp!"

As much as she protested and wanted him away from her, his wrench like grip was unmovable. Finally after much struggling, Noriko gave up and simply kissed him on his forehead. "Fine. I'll not sleep until you do."

"You mean you'll watch out for big scary monsters that would eat Kumagorou and Ryuuichi?"

"Yes, yes and I'll let K shoot them down if they get any closer." 

That left him satisfied. He finally gave her one last glomp before falling asleep. It was quiet in their hotel room once more.

Noriko smiled at herself as soon as she felt that he was already asleep. "Heh. I'd love to make you my boyfriend… if only you were ten years older than me." That didn't seem to wake him up but then he whimpered with the feeling of her breath on his ear. "Kawaii yo. Ryuu-chan…" she whispered silently and finally dozed off.

*****

"Tohma. Is it just me or has Ryuuichi never changed?" Noriko asked Tohma later that day. Ryuuichi was invited in an interview by one of the American TV stations. K was with him so the two of them were alone in their hotel room. It was time for them to leave Las Vegas and head towards LA this time to wrap up their US-European tour. After that, they would finally go back home to Japan. "He never matured or anything after more than ten years of being together. I've always thought that by being there for him all these years, he would change. I have changed and I know it, you too have changed. I'm not that foul-mouthed girl you once knew. You've become a successful businessman and band member at the same time. How come Ryuuichi hasn't changed? How come we did and he didn't?"

Tohma was silent for a while. "Why are you suddenly asking me these?"

Noriko reiterated the events that happened to them last night, excluding the part about being her boy friend and all. He didn't need to hear it plus it was quite embarrassing to be admitting such a thing.

"Do you really think he's really happy?" she asked. "I mean, really happy now?"

"You love him don't you?"

Noriko was taken aback. "Of course I do. What kind of a question is that?"

"Then why don't you ask him yourself?"

Her silence was her reply.

Tohma finally looked at her. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder and gripped it warmly. "I love Ryuuichi too. And I want him to be happy just like you. But then I don't want to be a bother to him. You don't need to bother with such trifling questions. If he says he is happy, then he must be so. We cannot force the truth out of him if he does not want to admit it."

"I was just scared really… I don't want anyone else to hurt him." Noriko admitted. "He's so… innocent… and fragile. I'm afraid for him."

Tohma smiled. "Don't worry, Ryuuichi is a strong boy. He can take care of himself." She assured her. _'And if he doesn't… well then, he has to learn.' _He silently added to himself. _'Noriko and I cannot always be there for you. Just like the way I couldn't be there for Eiri…'_

*****

Author's notes: *dodges tomatoes being strewn at her* NOOO~!! I'm not doing a Ryuuichi x Noriko fic! I assure you! I just like Noriko worrying over Ryuuichi-sama just like Mika does over Yuki (although Mika-san sounds more like she's nagging than worrying…) so you can stop wasting food now. Well then, I think I've already hinted that I love Noriko-chan so much that she's a very vital role in the story. I don't know, maybe I just tend to like under appreciated characters a lot. Don't worry Tohma fans; there would be more action from him in the next chapter. But for now, adios! Till the next chapter anyway *runs away*


End file.
